Wednesday, April 14, 2010

IndyCar's Mid-Week Memos

Dear Alex Lloyd,

This is to serve as your official secondary secret probationary warning as an IndyCar Series driver for complaining on twitter that Danica ran into you during the race at Barber Motorsports Park. While I realize you may be confused as in the past you have seen penalties given to drivers for “avoidable contact” such as Marco hitting Scott Dixon last year, or the entire Indy Lights roster in St. Petersburg in 2008. However, what you need to recognize, is that there are secret additional pages to the rulebook that qualify driver’s penalties directly proportional to their popularity and/or team budget. I don’t think I need to tell you where Danica lies on that chart, so just forget about the fact that she T-boned you at high speed and just drove away.

Failure to forget about the on-track issue could result in more warnings and I could even go so far as to have flag people wave the dreaded “please maybe think about moving over” blue flag at you.


Brian Barnhart

Dear Marco,

We just wanted to let you know, we loved everything we saw last weekend and want more of it! No whining; just humbleness, aggressiveness, and taking the race lead into your own hands… Just awesome! We saw glimpses of this before when you dueled with Dixon at Homestead and later contended at Texas, we saw it at the beginning of St. Pete this year as well.

Best of all, you’ve never mentioned the acronym NASCAR without it being in anything but humor or satire; all the things IndyCar fans love; we just need more of it, and I promise you a large fan-base and cheering section will follow; just find that consistency.

Eagerly Anticipating,

IndyCar Fans

Dear Mr. Barber

I’m not saying your call to start engines sucked... I’m just saying you might want to realize that “Start your engines” is right up there akin to the 7th inning stretch, or “play ball” or “Lets get ready to rumble”… it’s something that should get people pumped…you know… its not like "hey can you hand me that pen" or "no officer Shaq I don't know why you pulled me over" just sayin…


Shaquille O'Neal

Dear Versus,

Here’s an idea for you. Let’s call it the Athlete Exchange Program. All you have to do is take a few of the athletes from each of the sports you have rights to: WEC/UFC, PBR, IndyCar, Cycling and even one of your fisherman like Wade Middleton… and have them all try out each others’ sports. Have Ryan Hunter-Reay and Urijah Faber go fishing with Wade; get Lance Armstrong and Graham Rahal try and stay on a mild mannered bull for 5 seconds, have E.J. Viso and Kody Lostroh work out with Mike Brown; and get Donald Cerrone, Mark Cavendish and Austin Meier jump into an IndyCar 2-seater, and if they’re willing, let them try out the Indy Racing Experience 1-seater as well if they’re willing. Video the whole thing and then you have tons of photage all the applicable sports can use for their guys to help get exposure, plus humanize some of these guys and make them more personable. Plenty more where this comes from…

Your friend,


Dear Davey Hamilton,

Thanks for the “rap artist” comment. Gold.

Keep em coming,

Every IndyCar fan who was listening

Dear Every IndyCar driver,

Can you guys and gals stop going all PC on the issue of NASCAR? Seriously, we know they’re slower, we know they didn’t invent the SAFER barrier… hell, we can count on one hand how recent it was they finally went to unleaded fuel… Why then are you all willing to let the big bully push you down, and tell the girls you have cooties, when you know you don’t? You know the only reason they try to say bad things about you publicly is because they are scared of you, right?

We don’t want much... just say things that are true… say they’re slower, or they have power steering, or some of their drivers look like they couldn’t even fit in an IndyCar… better yet, tell them all that they don’t have the balls to try an IndyCar, say that they are scared; Heck we’ll all together offer up a $10 bounty to the first driver that says anything publicly about Darrell Waltrip. We’ll up it to $50 if you do it outside of the confines of the Media room to some kind of press… $100 if you do it on TV. What are they going to do, seriously?

What have you got to lose?

IndyCar fans

Dear George Barber,

We think your track is awesome and beautiful, and amazing to look at. The only problem is that it could use 1 or 2 more passing zones. We’re not asking you to destroy the great motorcycle track that exists; simply lay down a little more asphalt forward then 90degree turn making turns 7a, 7b, 7c, 7d, 7e, 7f become one simply 90 degree right turn #7. Then after IndyCar and Grand am goes home, remove the rumble strips. Then just lay down a little extra asphalt off the back straight to make Turn 11 a little more straight but then it goes into a more 90 degree turn 12. Again, you don’t have to rip anything up, just lay down a little extra asphalt and rumble strips for IndyCar/Grand-Am, then take the rumble strips up for the bikes.

Your track is known as the Augusta of race-tracks, but I think we all know people watch the Masters to see the competition, not to look at the trees. So keep your trees, grass, and foliage, but add a little more competition; it’ll be good for the track.

Anxiously awaiting some more passing,

Beautiful People

Dear E.J. Viso,

Dude whatever, all that trash talk is a lot of fun to see… Seriously, what IndyCar so desperately needs is a good trash talking rivalry…but what you’re doing is right up there with bragging to a 10 year old that you dunked on him. I’ll be back in the series soon enough to throw gloves at you; but in the meantime how about you take a shot at someone who can tap you on the track? 

Plus I heard Kanaan said something about your mom…

Tomas Scheckter

Dear Randy Bernard,

I know you are hearing a lot of things from a LOT of different people; it’s a ton of things to take in. But if you could take anything from the Furious Wedge, we’d love it to be this. What makes IndyCar the best is that it makes drivers prove their skills against other drivers from as many backgrounds as possible on as many different types of tracks as possible. Why then does the schedule segregate the tracks suddenly in recent years? I simply ask, can you please put Homestead back at the beginning of the schedule (since it’s the only warm weather oval we have) and start the season with Brazil, then Homestead, then St. Pete and let the fans taste all of what the series has to offer right out of the gate.

Who then closes the season? Well you could put Chicago back there, or better yet, you could nab Vegas again. We all know New Hampshire was begging to be added to the schedule last year when the series dumbfoundingly turned them down. So how’s about you tell SMI that New Hampshire can have their race, but you want Vegas too. Then… season finale party in Vegas!!! You kidding, how is that not a good idea!? The northeast gets an oval back since Richmond is gone, we get an oval at the beginning and end of the season in great locations and diversity of skill is flaunted throughout.

Trust us,


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